Dear Infertility,

Dear Infertility,

Dear Infertility, 

You have become an unexpected friend over the last 14 months. You have taught me so much. I almost hate to say it, but I’m thankful for your friendship. 

I’ve become softer, more at peace because of you. My soul feels more alive and more rested than it has been in years past. Most importantly, I know my daddy’s face better because of you. 

I know he is near and that he loves me dearly. 

I know his timing is the best timing. 

I know my life is not my own. 

I never expected for our friendship to turn into a journey, but it has. You have been the guide that has brought me to the path of wanting to homeschool my babies. I don’t know if I would have considered it if I had gotten pregnant when I wanted to. But because of your friendship I’ve fallen more in love with my daughter and begun to dream about giving her the childhood I never had. 

You have also taken me on the journey of personal health. I’ve undergone a huge transformation in terms of what I eat and how I care for my body. I’ve had to think –maybe for the first time- about what I consume, what I stress over, and how to work with my body to be healthy and nourish a baby. 

You have taught me about holistic nourishment. Physical, emotional, and spiritual nourishment. Life nourishment. You set before me a feast of all that my life could be with my husband and my children. The nourishing mother I could be- and who you are training me to be. I’m thinking deeply about my choices in life and how they impact myself, my family, and the dreams we have. 

You haven’t been easy, but you have been life giving. Though you are withholding a desire I have, you have given me back so many years that the locus have eaten. 

You have pushed me and stretched me and made me into someone I couldn’t have become on my own. I’ve become more long suffering as I’ve had to persevere in waiting. Through the journey into herbs and oils and acupuncture, I have learned to move slowly. I’ve had to be o.k. with not having instantaneous results. I’ve had to trust the process rather than my own capabilities.

Things I’ve dreamed of doing and becoming is starting to happen because you taken my hand. Where I have been too comfortable in my life to change, you have forced awakening. My dependence on coffee and carbs, on ease and comfort, on quick fixes, and of not being fully engaged with my daughter. You have pushed me beyond myself and I am grateful for all you have given me and all you have taken away from me. 

I wish these things were not as deep into my soul as they are because with them has come great pain, anguish, and many cries for relief. But you’ve taught me how to cry out for relief. You’ve led me from self-pity and anger into longing and desire and hope, which is why I am able to cry out. I’ve come to see that I can’t take refuge anywhere but in my God. He is my life. In his mercy, He has given me this cross to bear and he will be the one that opens my womb in his timing. And if not, he is still good. 

I wish this were a parting letter, dear friend, but it’s not. We are continuing on together. I’m not sure what our future holds, but I will grab your hand and let the chief Shepherd lead me. I am his handmaiden, acceptance with joy. 

Thank you for teaching me to savor the storm.

 

Your friend, 

Kaylin 

Dropkick the Joneses

Dropkick the Joneses

Tech Free Vacation

Tech Free Vacation